Star Seede * '
Introducing * '..the jeweled fyre of the *otherworlde...
...the story 'Day of The Children' is not a story for children but it is a story about children and child abuse, cult damage, and crime and street drugs and abuse by and to abused and abusing adults.. (The Journal of Sarah is an epic poem which accompanies Day of the Children and expands the experiential awareness of the abuse in other ways than Day of the Children).
It is a story for mature readers as it is a little graphic and disillusioning for those who seek the romantic ploy.
It is a story that may have happened and it may have happened to several people or one person...memory is funny that way..after long enough one is not sure whose life is in it...many are the people I have talked to in my life who shared their stories with me..this was written as promised to the many to help bring about the growing awareness towards terrorism that has come to its flourishing in the world of today..that worked its way gradually thru the cults and drug systems and such weakening and productive entities of helplessnessness of individuals and groups....we hope that by knowing the people will build a better and more reliably harmonious world....and a safer sheltering society honoring and in the names of those to be revealed later...I tell you, the reader, the story....Day of the Children and The Journal of Sarah........
The Journal of Sarah.....(Srah)
Introducing the 'Journal of Sarah'
Journal of Sarah is a journal in poetry by Sarah (Srah)
to go to Journal of Sarah click here *****
Journal of Sarah accompanies Day of the Children
Day of the Children
...for spiritual disclaimer see bottom of homepage...*Starseede.com...
...About to have the wrold evil face itself....
...pardon me...in modern times that equivocates to ...world evil....
...(in this story the author attempts to build suspense by the factors of subterfugic suggestion and shadowy promises of reality from the subconscious domains)...
Introducing ...
Day of the Children (The World's Children)
The story 'The World's Children' is based on a 1% reality 99% fantasy.
The base sprinkled throughout remains seemingly real while the horror and monstrous proportions bulking through the base situation lurk in the shadows waiting for who knows who to recognize them and how.
...skullduggery in the streets of postwar England bred a hardy self-sustaining youth from the children dealing with a country attempting the emotionally mandatory task of transition from violent and bitter conflict that a mellow countryside did not wish to experience and the reputational heroism of the native english ....never was a phrase so worthy of its people as that of 'mad dogs and englishmen' ...never was a race of children and the races and cultures that tried desperately to bring about that new world together trying as a child awareness to pry apart past problems and avoid future unecessary conflict, so determined to try to change the world's habitual future and bring about an unspoken order of organized peace individuality and correct principle and ethic in a future that could not occur until the moon had passed the mountain of what is called the millenia.
**The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and the victimized and maybe changed again to something even more fictitious in the future to protect the 1% and the 99%.
A story of Sarah and Gregory and their parents and the changing world that began in England after the second world war and moved to Canada then tried to live again in America until the millenia change which actually changed everything and there the story ends.
(to be cont'd)...
Chapter One...Sarah Begin...
Sarah in the city
As far as I know this story is just a dream but much of my childhood is torn from my mind by fear and I write this now as I grow older wondering what will face me in my darkening hours of the light of life that yet remains.
(to be cont'd)...
Chapter Two...SARAH
It was winter here in England and if she didn't get up before her parents lit the livingroom fire she could sleepily doze beneath the warm blankets and coverlets with the clean white sheet over her head and the bright morning light shining through making everything glistenwhite.
(to be cont'd)...
Chapter ...From the Inside...
Gregory stood back watching the developing scene of adults in front of him then stepped in and said something. It wqsn't long before he had stood back out again and watched some more. His tortured psychosis was different from his sister's as their strength bases had been differently innately. Gregory liked people. Sarah only liked some people. Since his parents and their friends or family or advisors or guidance people...Sarah had asked, she had tried to find out what they were so she could help herself at first then her little brother after he was born. What were they anyway? After they left something bad really bad happened and after Gregory was born it all got blamed on Sarah. Later she was to understand the heinous scheme they were developing that had been used for generations that was deliberately hidden behind male dominant female blame. Some kind of low class street drug crime syndicate with a money paying public influence had tortured and tormented itself into generations of this family or its friends. Sarah kind of suspected by the time she was abut eight that there may have been wrong things going on for a long time but noone explained anything except that females were to take all the blame..something like that..that was the one that got repeated the most but it came out in different words that were similar.
Sarah couldn't get stopped what they were doing to her brother. She told and told and told until even he had been schooled to hate her for it.
Anyway..Gregory liked all people and at four years old with a small tomahawk in hand he had been given by the family gang adults, he was already against the death penalty, yes,a tomahawk in one hand and an over sharpened knife in the other..well one could see why..at least from the outside. Noone could see except from the inside that Gregory had been made like that by others.
Torture from birth and thusly psychosis had been in Sarah's and Gregory's family form birth for generations and to judge from the amount of the many people who were to involve themselves wrongly in their lives because of it spoke for the large numbers of similar families in the world. You couldn't have talked the police out of believeing the amounts of it either for they dealt with the heavy amount of crime everyday on a constant basis.
The story of Sarah and Gregory might have been family or kidnap or illegitimate birth, the children never really knew and were told many things from many avenues. Mostly they were told when tiny that for all of them to stay alive they would have to go along with the parental program. Sarah prayed to anything that seemed to help, Gregory got angry. Life went on.
A life of hidden knives in the dark night hours, snakes that were called pets to hide their convenient presence until an adult from somewhere got too angry for words. They never seemed to get too angry for snakes except maybe a couple of times but that is for another chapter. Knowledge of pressure keening known to some as similar to acupressure to heighten torture and pain in opposition to healing. Gangs beating and pushing and touching unwanted, shackling the indignant and helpless victim, bringing in the insulting enemy probably a criminal and making you say he was your friend on the street while they had your brother or your mother helplessly at home. All meant to separate you from the help of staying in the social world of decency.
Sarah didn't like snakes at all. They made her say she did when she was little then when she got older she said she didn't and they said she had lied. They did that all the time. Why people didn't realize how crazy they were she didn't know. They made her and Gregory say they liked things all the time that they didn't. Then they did the same thing. Pretty soon all Sarah's friends and their family didn't know who was lying. Sarah couldn't figure it out until she was much older. One of the biggest problems was the photobug that began to accompany the crimes and the arranger who moved the victims into varying positions taking crummy pictures that supposedly showed the indecency of the victims. Friends people liked suddenly were not their friends. For children a life of constant treachery builds no stable ground to rely on or to refer to for character strengthening of their own and a demand for building of wrong character or the building of a psychosis in children by psychotics gives children no real chance at normal life.
When you were an old enough child to determinedly say no then the gang members began saying yes for you or in your name or telling others you said yes. The problems were enough to drive you out of your mind.
It was twisted, damaged, twisted, treacherous. Seemingly loving family developed over a long enough period of time to where you thought it was over and enough expression of normality had appeared and then suddenly, back again using the newer things that had happened to twist and treacherize and betray another time. It takes years for helpless children to figure out what it all is while the adult psychosis taunts them plays with them unfairly predates upon their own sanity and decency memories. By the time they do begin to possibly figure it out they have either joined it or rejected it to their disadvantage perhaps at the cost of their death
He doesn't believe us..say yes bitch...
it was teenage Loopla with the Iraqui again. Unable sexually and torturing everyone.
Gregory was barely two..
one of them yelled yes torture him ..in a high falsetto yes torture Gregory...
She thought it was the Iraqui..he was about fifteen..he cackled ..
They went back in there ..she could hear him crying..she threw up all over everything. They brought him out and one of them wrapped his baby hand around a knife handle crushed his hand under theirs then stabbed her and grazed him enough to bleed.
Then they threw him on her and left laughing. He crawled back towards the other room crying and sobbing. She tried to go to him and hold him comfort him but she couldn't get up, she kept vomiting.
From somewhere Mother or Father came home or came upstairs. She could hear them finding the baby Gregory she could not get to, she could not tell about what happened. They had found her. Someone stood her up to a standing position then slapped her or slugged her she couldn't tell which. She was going down for the third time when it stopped. She was getting the blame again but she had gone somewhere else as always. They had somehow poisoned her too so if she died the baby would always hate her. We have a new gang member they had said and we are going to make sure you don't stop us.
When Sarah came home from the hospital there was a new heartache waiting. Baby brother did not want anything to do with her and the Iraqui was hanging around the house visiting.
Sarah new it would never mend. gradually they turned him against her still victimizing the both. In between the external damages of several kinds of adult interference the terror from Sarah's and Gregory's relationship grew into something unrelaible and unwieldy, a standoff, a childish festering anger bursting out in sporadic helpless punishing ways bound to try to heal but never managing out of the spite and treachery of others.
Gregory would never heal. Gangs paid by people with money, evil people of public influence and money would nurture his killer psychosis out of pressure to live inthe hopes he would finally one day kill his sister for Sarah had sworn against street drugs and crime wich was their system since as long as the police had tried to help her. It took a while for her little mind to understand but when she did she made her choice known and so did the criminals. A whole lifetime Sarah would not have a real family from birth no matter how hard she worled at it she would have only half or less of all of them able to try towards real family relationships. The rest was psychosis appearing when it wanted or when it was stimulated by the nasty fantasy of the external drug money of films and music and its related family.
They had told her once more this time. Don't ever try to work in these fields for we rule them and you do not belong. Sarah's secret then had to grow within for she walked with music, she spoke many times in poetry and she was the greatest actress in the world..after all..didn't everyone think everything was alright til her enemies showed up to disparage her..didn't she seem to be co-operating willingly with torture and beatup photos and god knows what? Didn't she seem not to be concerned about her situation at all or her family within the terrible environment of unreliable gang activity? Sarah was ofcourse the best actress the world had ever seen but her enemeies in the business were determined to keep her away possibly by taking her life through the family she lived amongst. Sarah the actress carried on, and carried on, and .........
When it was done the storyteller said, what do you think?
Well, said Sarah, I used to be afraid of it but I don't seem to be anymore. She tried to choose her words carefully.
Oh really said her listener.
Well, yes, cause now I know that the police can follow the big serpent into the hills and find its lair and they can study its excrement, she carefully studiously stated the word, and examine it for the remains and find out who it is.
Her listener stared at her coldly, she could see anger rising, she had figured wrong, she thought she could win at least a little comfort from these horror stories by going about it this way.
The person rose from the chair across from Sarah. You would still have to die, she said, so nobody's safe.
Sarah's heart sank. So far she had only won respite in her own head temporarily. Funny, though, as the other person left the room she thought she might have felt a little relief for awhile. Something to break the ever present screaming tension. A tear dripped down Sarah's cheek. A voice in her mind said, when it rains God is crying. Sarah tried not to sob.
(to be cont'd)
Chapter ...Family
Grandma had a very sharp knife for the kitchen. She kept sharpening it and sharpening it until she had to buy another one. She also knew where some of your arteries were and wasn't afraid to tell you. Sarah had asked the police a couple of times or so if that was normal.
Grandma Else (other family of Dad) had a snake, at least one and Grandpa Else or Uncle Other or someone she couldn't remember fed te large snakes from the hills at the end of his big garden with wrapped up bundles of stuff. He showed her once at least that she remembered. It was just a bunch of vining flowers and grass in a big bundle wrapped up with grass vines Auntie weaved with the kids. He said he put stuff in the middle. He told her if she wasn't good and did what her parents said that he would put her in there, she knew it was just a joke specially when he said he might put her baby brother when he was born if she said the wrong thing cause girls were to be not heard. He told her too she could forget to tell anybody and forget who told her and that the whole thing hadn't happened so she could forget the whole thing except don't.
It was no wonder that she couldn't remember much, it was keeping her alive. She wasn't sure what to remember in the middle of fear for the ones she cared for.
It wasn't til she was five that she found out that midwifery still lived in her Other family, father's family in the country and that birth records were not as strict as they should be. Seated in the livingroom as expected after dinner her parents thought she couldn't comprehend adult conversation but Sarah could. She pretended not to, for her it was a matter possibly of life or death or at least the threat that might come true.
(to be cont'd)
d g
Chapter........The Prince....
The fact that she could not remember past a minute on many issues and past situations worried her the most. Since she could not remember what she had said from day to day in many cases, she could not say much for her word could not be relied upon. This saddened her for within herself Sarah was a very reliable person. She was being made unreliable in her behavior and promises by the life of the knife and psychological poisons placed upon her by the family cult group.
Amongst the young who knew her and reached out to try to enter her situation to find out what the problem really was were those who learned to like her and call her friend. They knew there was a psychological problem in the family but the expression of Sarah's personality and the principles of life even at a young age that she tried to explain and invoke within her young friends were sound and intelligent, they made sense.
She could explain why not to use street drugs because of the gradual wearing effects upon the body and mind. She knew about principles and commonsense. She knew many things but whilst talking about those she was one person and shortly afterward she would throw away the thought out matters for her misunderstood lifestyle of wrong choices, seemingly her choices. To talk to her within the frame of mistaken living was to know an entirely different person.
Her friend Abdul was telling her that now. Abdul she had known for a long time. He was her closest friend. Her family didn't like him for several reasons they wouldn't explain. At first they said them out loud then after awhile they just said they wouldn't explain, they just didn't like him. Abdul was disliked at her house because he and his friends protected Sarah. When they were around she had a cleaner happier life wherever they could help bring it about. Not that it was easy, Abdul had been attacked by Sarah's father Lewis several times and successively gone to jail. Abdul's family had influence and they were able to eventually work something out. Sarah was remembering now what she thought Abdul had told her that day that she finally was able to remember it all or the most that she could and put it all together in one place in her mind and maybe believe it. Only thing was, she liked Abdul so much, maybe even loved him or thought she did that she wasn't sure if she was adding in dreams the way she wanted them to be or if her poor tortured mind was dreaming that someone for a moment could give her a mental rest and respite by seeming to care about her in a normal way. She felt comforted and geartened by his presence but always fear was there, it was that way with everyone. She never knew if her friends would be attacked or insulted or if she would be forced to lie and say she hated them or didn't want them and had said something unkind about them behind their back. It was a devastating situation for her as well as her friends. She knew it would take an especially intelligent and aware group of people to deal with her situation.
Abdul was about four years older than Sarah. That meant he had about four years worth of life learning on her. He had apparently liked her from the moment he saw her, she didn't know when that was, he wouldn't say. She did remember when he explained it to her....at least she thought she remembered the day he left his group of friends in the street to come over and meet her. She didn't remember whether his friend had brought him over or whether he just walked over and said hi but she thought she remembered being rude and attitudinal she wasn't sure. That didn't phase Abdul, he knew some things about Sarah he wanted a chance to fix in her life and he was going to check them out. She was three and he was seven. That didn't phase him either, he came from a land where age was not as important as it was in England. It bothered Sarah at first, as far as she knew she was English. Well you're not, said Abdul, you're a person. Sarah laughed then got up and went back into the house. Abdul was not phased. His family was some kind of powerful and influential purpose. He knew and understood people and he wanted to know about Sarah. He and the other children didn't like the way she always had a snake bite or a knife mark especially on her face or her neck or a bruise somewhere. The police had been involved several times but it still went on. Sarah if you talked to her only remembered the one that was there now. That bothered Abdul too. He wondered how that happened. That was why she got up and walked into the house.
What did he want, greeted her just inside the door.
Oh, she said, he wanted to meet me.
Well, stay away, Dad doesn't like them.
Ok, said Sarah, ok. Well, she thought, that's the end of that. she had visions of a prince with long dark hair following her on a white horse. She went upstairs to take a nap. A prince, his face seemed familiar somehow, she wondered who he was.
Fakir grinned at his friend. They called him Fakir because he knew so many spiritual and adept things. All the kids liked him. Well, he said, at least she talked to you. Abdul looked downcast. I don't like the way she cannot remember the hurts from before. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk about it said Fakir.
Abdul nodded.
Want me to talk to your uncle? Fakir was a couple of years older than Abdul and the adults tended to take him a little more seriously. I could explain and......
Abdul was indignant ...I can ask him myself to speak for me but he has done before and they said no they do not like something I did when she was younger.
Fakir laughed. They will think up any excuse and they may be looking for money, word is they are prostituting her or someone maybe a mafia is on child pornography and baby sex.
All I did was lick her on the face said Abdul. I liked her so much. She was a pretty little laughing smiling baby and I was a baby too. I licked her face some because I loved her and they didn't like it. What's wrong with that? I don't do it to anyone else. I only ever wanted to do it to her.
Fakir laughed again. Let me tell your Uncle Ahmed you wish to speak to him he is more likely since I am older to think it is of some importance and then he will perhaps lend more time to it.
Alright then, Abdul was thoughtful. Wait though until tomorrow because I would give the matter a little thought. I may want to do something more serious depending on what I find out.
Tomorrow had arrived and Abdul had decided to go with a basic request though he did confide in his friend that he had a profound matter he was thinking out that he might wish to go over with him for advice in case he had left out anything important but it could wait until he got permission to visit from her parents.
Sarah was remembering all this,she still could not tell which part was fantasy and which reality in a mixed up tumble of imagination and dope that her 'parents' kept available calling it 'salve' to ease the pain as much mental as physical. When something hurt she rubbed it on. When it didn't she didn't. Simple. Another thing she didn't think about anymore though they had shown her at first, now they didn't. When they wanted her to forget something, an incident, something that had been said, instructions that were to trigger at a special word...they ended the situation with a small electrical button, a round flat metal object which they placed to her body and pushed the button. A shot of electricity or light or something shot out and went inside her flesh and suddenly her head felt light and her mind couldn't remember. At first she had cried and fallen down. Her legs were like jelly rubber trying to get up ...but they had, someone had pushed her again and again until she forced her way up to standing and gradully she learned to overcome the effect until she could just feel an unnoticeable 'ping' that she would never remember because she was told to, and then life went on as though the instrument did not exist. Torture from babyhood and insistent reaction to creat psychosis or reaction appearing to be psychosis. Sarah was scared but she couldn't remember why.
(excerpt).........
Ahmed watched Sarah in the armchair across from him. She was almost asleep. One more nod and that would probably be it.
He though back upon the events leading up to this point. He hoped Lewis would honor the legal agreement. She would be there a few days while the courts heard the case and during that time in fact tomorrow evening Abdul was coming over to see her.
Sarah slept all day waking a few times to roll over. She had raised herself enough to find the bathroom a couple of times and gone right back to bed again. The fluffy dog in the dog bed in the hall had the same idea. Only once did she remember hearing someone ask if she was hungry....all she could answer was a deep snore unable to wake herself up for anyone. it was about late afternoon before Rose heard her stir one more time to go to the bathroom. Rushing upstairs she caught her just before the child tumbled back onto the bed.
Hello, she tried, hello Sarah would you please get up now as you are to have company in another hour and it will give you enough time to have a bath, dress and eat before you eat together later. Alright my girl, hey up and to the bathtub.
Sarah could have cared less about people or getting up in fact she was a little grumpy and would have liked to sleep more. Here it was safe and restful and she could catch up with some long needed rest. Who's coming? she asked politely.
Well said Rose, you don't have much time, I'll tell you while you eat.
Sarah had just about finished washing down when she felt a little pickup energy beginning. Her head began to clear and she sensed a trickle of excitement perking up within. I wonder who it is she thought. Hurrying to the room she found the bed already made up again and a nice little outfit laid out on the bed.
A comfy top and a loose skirt below her knees and nothing else. How well they knew her. Sarah in bare feet was one of her other names and happy she was in that state. she brushed her medium length curly locks tumbling downstairs in a froth of skirts and happiness to find a big fluffy apron on the back of the chair and a bowl of stew on the table.
Momma Rose she yelled, Momma Rose. Is this mine? Is this mine?
Momma Rose rushed back in helping her into the apron and the chair sitting down opposite her.
I just want you to have a little something in your stomach she said and then you can eat with your friend later. Uncle Ahmed will be home about a half an hour after he arrives.
How can, questioned Sarah, Uncle Ahmed get here a half an hour after he arrives? She laughed and laughed and laughed.
Momma Rose grinned...ha...ha...ha ....she said.
I mean after Abdul arrives....he's coming here to visit you.
Oh my friend Abdul squirmed Sarah...I haven't seen him forever for a long time and I feel so piqued and so tired I feel awful.
At three reassured Momma Rose...you could never look awful.
Sarah wasn't sure if it was alright or not...noone had asked her yet.
He wants to ask you something said Momma Rose.
How old is he asked Sarah.
I think he's seven.
Oh.
Seven.
Yeah.
Momma Rose finished her tea and got up to leave the room.
Finish your stew and milk now and then brush your teeth there's a toothbrush if Ahmed didn't show you it's for you and it's pink, ok?
Sarah nodded. She was nervous but she was hungry.
Abdul was coming to visit. Her. Visit her. She ate like fury.
She was still brushing her teeth when he arrived. Momma Rose said wait she would get Sarah.
He's here you look beautiful she said hinting.
Thankyou said Sarah...but I'm only three.
He doesn't care said Rose. It's you within who you are that he's interested in.
Oh said Sarah almost passing out.
Go downstairs now and talk to him.
Sarah had passed the landing before she saw him standing in the middle of the room.
She waved but he didn't see. He was talking to someone. Sarah sincerely hoped it was a friend. She was closer now, it was Ahmed.
Oh hello said Abdul turning as she reached the bottom of the stairway. I have a present for you now and one for later on the table. He pointed to a small chairside table across the room.
Hello Sarah, greeted Uncle Ahmed.
Oh thankyou, blurted Sarah trying to act graciously. She sat down on the floor to undo the bow.
Here let me help you. Abdul got her past the rough spots and soon the package lay open with only the lid of the box to undo.
Sarah slowly opened the lid.............................Ooooooooooooo she said holding her breath.
The most beautiful white rose lay within on a bed of tissue paper. She picked it up stroking it against her cheek, smelling the perfume. She offered it to Abdul to enjoy the sweet smell.
Ahmed smiled and left the room. These were no ordinary children.
It was later and Rose had called them for dinner. They had eaten and she said she had set aside a tray of food for later that evening and that Abdul was going to stay over for the night, his uncle had given permission.
Time had passed and they had talked incessantly played children's games and been taken upstairs and shown the room Abdul would stay in overnight.
Rose had brought in the tray to the livingroom and setting it on the sidetable cautioned them to get some sleep cause she was going to bed. Ahmed after doing the same went off to his room.
The two children were left alone. The house dark and quiet except for the pathway upstairs and the livingroom. Abdul got up, put the second present on the tray and started upstairs calling Sarah to follow him. He went to his overnight room and put the tray on the floor.
Is this alright, he asked her.
Sarah nodded, she trusted Abdul more than anyone else she could think of.
They sat down to eat as he set the box aside.
He put out a little food and drink offering her some.
They sat for a shortwhile before he spoke. He did not seem like seven years old, he seemed ageless and she did not seem to be three. They were in a bubble, a rapture. Later she was not sure she dreamed it again it was all so beautiful.
Abdul told her generally what he knew of her situation reassuring her that it was his intent to help her. He explained how the others were trying to help also.
By the time he was done with what he had set out to say Sarah was very tired. His words were a relief but noone had been able to help permanently yet.
He helped get her upon the bed, she was very tired. She lay down near the fluffy pillows...he sat up beside her the small box next to him.
I have taken a long time Sarah, he said, to think this out carefully. I can protect you if you are mine because then you belong to noone else but me and you and when dealing with tough males then you will be mine and I have lots of backup. In my land children are promised to one another early in life by their parents in order to make good marriages for their future. I want to make that with you to-night and then you will be mine but then you can have noone else therefore the selling you out by whomever will end and I will protect you.
Sarah was amazed. You are amazing, she said, stunned. Amazing.
At three she didn't know how it would work. She just knew when parents ike hers told you to do something you did it.
She was trying to stay awake.
You can sleep here if you want. I will sleep on the floor.
No she said, sleep here beside me it....will...be...alright.
When you awaken, he said, I will give you the other present.
Sleep had claimed Sarah. Her little tousled head nestled amongst the covers and pillows. Sleep soon found Abdul in the same state a few minutes later.
The middle of the night had seen a call to the bathroom by a very quiet Abdul who wanted to get matters completed before he had settled down again, Sarah awoke with the same idea in mind. Both having settled down once more on the bed, Abdul put the box in her hands. I want you to be my wife he said softly. This ring you will wear it to-night then we will put it away in safe care until you are old enough to choose for yourself without interference from adults. But it is yours forever. I don't expect it will stop everything but it will have a great influence on matters if you are my wife. Sarah began to open the box but her little arms were too tired. He helped her, showing her the ring and putting it on her thumb so it would kind of it.
It's beautiful she said. Thankyou. I will be your wife and she hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
There is another ring, he said. It is plainer than this and I will bring it every time I come to see you.
I am trying to make some arrangements to help and my family has some influence. We may be able to get our neighborhood at least partly under our country's status so that the marriage promise is honored legally and that will give us a space of reassurance . If someone does something to the plainer ring you will not feel that the promise has been violated and if you change your mind later when you are an adult, it will be alright. I just want to keep you safe right now while you are so young.
Sarah felt so protected she did not think she could ever change her mind about Abdul.
She held him again as they both lay down together falling asleep for the rest of the night. She had never in her whole life felt so safe.
Sarah at five also did not want her personal dreams at five to be interpreted into other people's conveniences. She already knew so much that she scared the adults but why didn't they think for themselves and recognize it then?
She could hear someone discussing her now. She tried not to listen but the sound echoed on her brain seeped slowly into her mind like shocking words do...only parts of them and their phrases being remembered.
Sarah is perhaps dreaming said someone, dreaming the wrong things...she has had a dream only that she can love someone at five years old.
Sarah fell back asleep she was sore all over.
She didn't know how much time passed until dimly she recognized another voice..
Well who is she trying to spare the feelings of ...?
This intermittent 'dream' passed on and on and on until she finally woke to dark and the sound of a silent house...
..after enough time had passed that it seemed everyone might be asleep, she slowly got up..she wondered why so stiff but kept on gingerly easing up out of bed and moving down the hall landing she headed towards the bathroom then downstairs....noone was in the cold dark livingroom so she sat in a chair. Being in trouble was the farthest thing from her mind...the snow ball was not there that meant someone was blaming her for something....she would change that when she grew up...she would live alone and she could buy her own snow ball and never need to be forgiven...she tried to analyse forgiven spiritually...too much for a little tired head....someone was usurying it..of that there was no doubt...usurying it because they could get support and it was a terse word anyway...a futile word...an angry worthless word of manipulators...
Sarah knew there was a problem about children's growing up wprds and actions...she thought it silly and manipulative of adults to not give room for growing up factors...but she actually wasn't sure of the details.
Dimly she thought someone might think that she held them to something that they should not be held to.
She might have said or thought or dreamed ...even demanded as a frivolous sight of her own emotional and intellectual need to see herself in the mirror of her own actions to cause the growing up as early as five of these factors. How anyone could expect a five year old yelling and angry to be adhered to was beyond her. Oh yeah, dimly as tho in a fog she thought she might remember...had she demanded something and yelled at Spirit to give it until everyone heard her or had she done that to someone or had she just had a dream or was she just making it up now. She knew hysteria ran in her family...she was the only one so far trying to use hers for psychic ability. She already was praying to Spirit for a long time to develop beyond any hysteric reaction to avoid problems...it was exhausting at five and actually exhaustion helped bring on the possible hysteria. She would never expect anyone to live up to any hysteric demand from herself. Her one big spiritual promotion was individual choice as much as possibly allowed by law and the individual's personal effort. Even at this tender age she understood Spirit's explanation.
Demands she was not after, self-protection by all means and spiritual development of her inner knowledge by means of Spirit help that she was with was the biggest factor but it would take a steady inner seeking til she was grown. For people that she did or didn't care about to misunderstand her personal intent towards them might happen. She would not interfere with the personal voluntary choices of others for their own lives and she expected the same for hers within the law and correct life maintenance by guardians usually parents.
Somewhere she thought someone was mixing it up and she cried because it could be deliberate. At five she felt she could never win. She was too exhausted to go on. Sarah crawled back up to bed and slept the sleep of the dead.
and then it was so frightening she would forget...halfway through or just as she was able to understand some of it...she would forget...it was too frightening.
Thinking about the prince was obsessive..not what she wanted. Now she wasn't sure whether she had the right one in her memory. There had been several if she remembered correctly. Cousins or something and perhaps another from a foreign country. She wasn't sure which one was her real memory and whether or not she had gotten herself mixed up.
Sarah was accomplished. At five years old she knew she was accomplished. Just how to bring it out to the world meant she had to 'show off' and the world would see. If not now then at a later date. At five Sarah couldn't remember she had enemies no matter what anyone had done to her. And that is the problem with the younger years. Children rarely remember until much too late to be safe. That is why they need adults she reminded herself in her independent attitudes. One reason at least. Then she grinned inside because she had forgotten again.
She was struggling with a new problem that she could remember, she thought. Weeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllll, she had forgotten a lot of things her mind told her and she wasn't very safe. The Prince of Persia had married her not the Prince of Arabia and she was only safe with him and where was he? Or was it the Prince of Turkistan or Afghanistan??? or a country's name that in her child's confusion she could not remember?
Had she in her five year old wisdom sent him away because he had so many wives that she was but a thing in her own mind. At least...she remembered a voice saying...at least he is trying to protect you. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh but....she remembered answering....how can he protect me from the harem intrigues and danger of the wrong relationships within the conflictive and jealous confines of far too many partners for one person at a time. Sarah could not remember which Prince it was or if it was just a dream and perhaps even a dream better left undreamed.
Her mind damaged remembered Princes perhaps from storybooks ....everyone wanted to think that princes were all good but obviously to a child badly abused by the world...some people were not good no matter what their position in the worldly estate. Some Prince had a snake of that Sarah was sure...whether it was the boy in a home a street or two away or a boy somewhere near. Some boy had a snake or a man had a snake or maybe even a woman and Sarah disliked and distrusted snakes. Anything with a rapturous bite and a poisonous bite and a sneaky complex was fair to be distrusted to save your life. Anything that could 'hypnotize' a prey then poke it with a poke tongue to paralyse it then wait to see its fear then bite it dead then swallow it whole was a creep. Even a little sting from a small one could make even a big person not want to get up for awhile and then one bite and you were loaded or poisoned and some of them bit pieces of you and ate them. Sarah wondered where she had learned that and shuddered at the marks on her arm. Surely the rose bush when she had got too close playing when tiny. Somewhere an old distant voice said ...throw it to the snake it's just a girl child...break its leg so it looks no good then they won't say anything. She shuddered again...why did she think these evil things..they were beyond acceptance..the mind was panicking in its aloneness...what would make her think such terrible evil?...
To her the dreams were absolutely that. The dreams of the Prince were absolutely that. Dreams to carry her through the fear that they were true. Fear so great that she could not cope so now she did not know what was true and what was not.
She would trudge on hoping to grow up and to figure it out then. Until that time she would not know who her enemies were and if she had any friends she could trust.. Something whispered deep inside...be careful..Sarah..trust noone for you do not know where your enemy lies...you do not know where your enemy lies.
...was the name Abdul her friend or her enemy ???????
Mentally she sidestepped her overwhelming fear by flowing with the overwhelm of the moment..she knew then she didn't know..remembered then forgot...knew it was just a dream then it was reality..Sarah was dealing with psychosis caused by great shock over and over again. No immediate escape if ever signaled the process of destructive fear. Only problem was..as smart as Sarah was..she didn't know yet what this was that was happening to her. Only time of years and years length would provide her any answers of help and only if she could survive..only if she could survive.
(to be cont'd)